Just Say No

I don’t know why but sometimes people feel the need to tell you all the reasons they can’t do something.  I did some work for a political candidate a while back calling people who have helped a campaign in the past. Many people who I spoke to were unable to help out and that's fine.  However, several people had to justify why they couldn't help.  They launched into a whole long saga about why they couldn't volunteer telling me how busy they were, or how sick they were, or even in one case saying that they are preparing for a colonoscopy so it would be impossible for them to help out.  It seems as if they can’t just say no and get on with it.

Some of the reasons are really quite amusing.  The colonoscopy thing was so funny I had to get off the phone to prevent laughing at the person.  I was calling to gauge their interest for volunteering and then work on scheduling a future date, but I couldn’t even get that out because I was so stunned by what they said.  All one really needs to say is I could say was no thank you and good bye. 

I suppose some people actually feel guilty for letting you down.   Maybe deep down inside they really want to help but are overwhelmed with the idea of changing their daily routine and putting one more thing on their plate.  Maybe their diatribe is really rationalizing it for themselves more than anything else, because they inwardly feel guilty they can't help.  Perhaps that’s why they just can’t leave it at just saying no.  But saying things like I have to sell my car, or my heating system needs to be fixed is really quite silly and only makes the person on the other end roll their eyes and laugh.  

Confrontation

We had a slight confrontation on the bike trail over the weekend.  As we were coming onto the trail two young children were coming off.  Their father was walking behind them and talking on his cell phone.  He was not watching what his kids were doing.  As a result, we almost ran into them because they were really too young to understand how to move out of the way.  My husband yelled at the father and he put his conversation on hold and started yelling back at us as we were riding away. He kept saying that it was none of our business what he was doing but I think that was in regard to his conversation. 

I am constantly amazed at how little people take into concern those around them.  Often people will stop right in the middle of the trail and risk others crashing into them.  They will actually hold conversations with others right there, blocking traffic in both directions.  The other day I read in the paper that the exact same thing happened and the person who ran into the person who stopped was pretty seriously wounded and an ambulance had to be called.  Do these people who just stop really think they are the only ones on the trail?

I tend to think that not only has civility gone away, but consideration as well.  It appears that generally people only think of themselves and do not take into account that their actions affect anyone else.  Case in point was the woman who was driving and picking her toes!  My husband said the car was going all over the road and at first he thought someone was texting while driving.  Imagine his surprise when he came upon that car to see her doing that!  I guess she felt no one else was around and it was okay to groom her feet while going to her destination.  Unbelievable.  Have we really become so selfish and self absorbed?  It appears so.

Rude People

I just hate having to be nice to rude people.  I mean really.  I would love to just love to tell these people off and really get it off my chest but I can’t do that because I am calling on behalf of someone else.  I know that this is probably my penance for being rude to people on the phone myself.  But I have solved that problem by just not answering my home phone.  But this stress is really raising my blood pressure. 

In this job that I am doing now, I have to speak to literally thousands of people.  I can probably count on one had the people who are civil to me.  The rest are neutral or downright rude.  Admittedly I am calling about a subject that people feel passionate about; politics.  However, do you really have to be that way?

I suppose people are inherently rude to others.  When you put the telephone in place of actual face to face communication, you add a layer of anonymity.  I suppose if people don’t really feel that they are talking to another breathing human being the cease to act civil and decide that since you are calling about something they don’t care to know about, you are no more consequential that a flea.  

Death and the People Around You

I often get the feeling that you never know someone until they die.  When you go to the funeral there are all kinds of pictures and stories of the deceased that you never knew about.  For example, I attended the funeral of a neighbor a while ago.  We had lived next to him for many years but didn’t know him that well.  They had a small biography of the person and I learned many facts about him; so many that I wish I had known him better.

The same is true when a family member dies, although it’s not really the person who dies who you find out about, it’s the people around them.  As you may know, my father passed away recently and my stepmother has shown me some things that I really don’t want to have to deal with.  I don’t know if it was my father or my step mother, but my mother was “banned” for lack of a better word from going to the funeral.  My parents have been divorced for over 40 years, but they were still on speaking terms probably because of my brother and me.  But I thought my Dad was okay with things.  However, through the years, I have seen some things that I just thought were petty and sad.  For example when I got married I had the ceremony at my mother’s house.  It’s a beautiful house and she and my step father entertained there a lot.  My husband and I were trying to save money and so we had it there.  I talked to my father about it and he was fine for a while and then at the last minute told me he was uncomfortable being there.  Yet when my brother was married, all the parents and step parents flew to Kansas and had a grand old time. 

So now we come to the end of my father’s life and I am going to deal with my stepmother without my Dad around to get in the middle if things get strange.  And they will.  I suppose I could not deal with her at all, but that seems a little harsh, after all she was very good to my father and took care of him for the last years of his life with no complaints, and I guess I would feel kind of guilty not doing anything for her because of that.  Ah, such complications of life.

Mean People Suck

Have you seen the bumper sticker that says “Mean People Suck”?  Well they do.  Big time.  And I hate that I have to be nice to them when I am calling on behalf of someone else.  The other day I called a woman who answered the phone using her title.  I didn’t know that the person on the list was the person who answered the phone – like really how would I?  Anyway, she got all offended because I called her by her first name and not Dr. so and so.  I mean really.  Get off your high horse.  Just because you probably had much more schooling than I did and probably make a ton of money more than me, get over yourself.

Why can’t people be nicer?  It doesn’t take that much of an effort to be pleasant does it? But I suppose it does.  But being uppity and snooty does not ingratiate you to anyone.  It just makes people talk about you behind your back and laugh about you.  Everyone who has ever dealt with people on the phone as part of a job has stories about people who were mean, demanding, exasperating, and ugly.  It does not get you anywhere in life.  I want to ask these people if they have ever heard of the saying that you catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar, but that would not be very polite of me to stoop to their level, and it would not be good for my employer.  So I just have to deal with it. 

I suppose I have to take my own words back to some extent because I have been known to be not so nice to some of the people who are calling my home for various reasons.  Most of the time I just don’t answer the phone, which solves it.  Then again after an experience like yesterday, it reminds me that when I talk to random people calling that they are only doing their job and I need to be nicer because it could be me on the other end. 

I Paid for an Argument

It has been said that politics and religion, should not be discussed at cocktail parties because it can start an argument.  If you do venture into those areas, and find yourself floundering, it is best to reach for the phase, "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree!" and move on.  However, there are those people who love to argue.

I work with one such person and no matter what I say this person always has something to say about it.  At first I thought it was just me.  I was relatively new to the group and this person had been here a while and I thought they were just correcting me on proper procedure.  But now it’s been some time and I think I am pretty familiar with my job, but still this person finds fault with everything.  It is really maddening and annoying.

How should I deal with this?  Most of the time I just repeat the phase above and move on, but sometimes I get so mad I have to bite my tongue to prevent saying something I am going to regret later.  Fortunately I don’t report to this person so my outbursts might not be that risky, but you never know what the future can bring and one day that could be the case.  I think people like to argue because they just like to be right all the time.  It is a challenge to deal with those kinds of people, but I have found some things that can help.

You first have to understand that sometimes a person could have a personality disorders and you can’t do anything about it.  You also have to recognize the fact that there are always going to be impossible people.  People are different than you, they don’t think like you, their backgrounds are different, and sometimes you just don’t get along with everyone.

Understand that it's them, not you. If you're dealing with an impossible person, they probably tell you over and over again that everything is your fault. It isn't. Remember, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, they are the ones at fault and don’t want to recognize it. You will only raise your own blood pressure going to their level and taking the bait to fight.

Stay calm in the situation.  Don't reply with angry words and, whatever you do don't cry - this will only get them going. Walk away, start another conversation with a totally different topic, and maybe find something you can agree on. Redirect by focusing on something, anything positive in the situation or in the conversation.  In some ways they need to be treated like a child, so just as you do with a two-year old who is hell bent on touching that priceless antique, redirection is your only salvation.

Finally, this is your chance to be a manager.  You need to manage this impossible person so that he or she is less damaging to you.  Silence is really golden in this case, and reasoning won’t work.  Impossible people do not listen to reason. They don't recognize their mistakes and feel they have no flaws. You must understand and manage this attitude without blaming them or giving in to anger. In the end you are the better person for it.