Joys of Aging

The big ride to the shore is this weekend and I am getting a little nervous. First of all, the weather says it is a 40% chance of rain. Yuck. This is a rain or shine event, and the team captain says that people with MS don’t get to chose what kind of day they have so basically suck it up, but I don’t like to ride in the rain. The second thing I am nervous about is the distance. True I rode over 50 miles before and it was not that big a deal. My butt hurt for a bit, but I made it and it was fun, so a little further won’t kill me. So I shouldn’t be nervous. But I am. We have to be at the start line by 5:15am which means we have to leave at about 4:00am and get up in time to do so. That means everything ready on Friday night and all we have to do is grab our stuff and go.

I plan to Twitter at all the rest stops because there are a bunch of people who are anxiously wondering how we are doing. I am going to have my phone in a plastic bag in the event of rain, so I am going to be ready.

This past Friday I had my every 5 year colonoscopy. I also had to have an endo as well, so I was joking with my doctor about the scopes meeting in the middle. He was not amused. The procedure is nothing, but the prep is AWFUL. I had to do a two-day prep because my system is s slow and the medicine that I had to take was horrid. I had to drink the stuff called Trilyte which is supposed to have flavoring and be chilled. You are supposed to rapidly drink8 ounces at a time until you consume 4 liters. It is the vilest stuff I had ever tasted and it was a wonder how I got it down without barfing each time. Boy, that stuff works. After about 4 times, I was going and going and going. I guess it’s just one of the joys of getting older.

You Don’t Know What You Are Missing

I am on the first day of my two-day prep for a colonoscopy. Oh the joys of getting old. For two days I have to have a liquid diet and take meds that will force me to evacuate. I am so hungry now, and I have a screaming headache. For “breakfast” I had two cups of black coffee, a half a cup of beef broth, a Jello cup, and a couple sips of Gatorade, which I can’t stand. The broth wasn’t too bad, but it had such a strong smell of beef that I almost threw up. I think I will live wild and have chicken broth instead tomorrow.

This afternoon I have to start on the chemical process to clean out my insides. Tomorrow is more of the same, but the chemicals are worse and they start earlier. My doctor says I have a long and loopy bowel. I guess that’s a bad thing. I did the one day prep the first time I had this procedure five years ago, but I did not get cleaned out enough. I had the process done over again six months later and did the two day prep and that gave him the results he needed. When you get this age, and have a history of stomach cancer in the family, this process has to be done every 5 years or so. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so they want to make sure there is nothing more. Lovely.

I just pray I can get through this. I want food; something that I can chew and not just gum. But I know my duty and I know that I can do it. I did it before; I can do it now.

A Difficult Morning

This morning I flew into a rage at my husband who had left my car keys in his car when he moved them last night. We only have on-street parking and Mondays is the day that they street clean the other side of the street where he was parked. Since he has been working nights, he wanted to sleep and not worry about the car in the morning get a ticket being on the wrong side of the street.

Usually I try to be very quiet in the mornings for him. I lay out my clothes and everything I will need in the guest room so I don’t disturb him rummaging around in our room getting my things. However, this morning after I found I didn’t have my keys and they were not hanging on the hook by the front door, I blew up and stormed into the room and woke him up demanding to know where my keys were. I supposed I could have handled it a different way, but I was pissed and I was going to be late in getting to work. He had left them in his car and he had to get up, get dressed and go out there and get them for me.

On the way, I passed a car double parked on the next street. I hate double parkers, especially if there is a parking space within 10 feet of where they are sitting. It is the height of laziness not to park the car and either wait for the person you are picking up or walk to their door. I blew my horn as I passed in a rather long and frustrated manner. The key thing really made me mad and I was taking it out on everyone. I don’t think the neighbors liked having a horn blowing at 5:30am on their block, but maybe they will blame the person who was double parked. I was past the point of caring.

I hate when I get this way. It is childish and small of me. I really need to calm down and take it easy. I realize that. I usually don’t flip out so easily and it usually takes me a long time to loose my temper. It really sets a tone that I don’t like for the rest of the day, increases my stress level and makes me eat. Not a good situation.

Fears

It seems as if have developed several phobias in my middle age. For example, I never was afraid of flying and now am terrified. I used to be able to watch horror movies and not get too freaked out, and now get really undone with some of them. I don’t usually rent them for just that reason, but the other day, I saw one and it got to me in a big way. Even last night, two days after seeing it, I was still unnerved. I wonder why?

I guess, it is because I have more to lose now; my family, my home, and a feeling that if I died I would not have completed certain things. Most of my fears center on me dying, or becoming seriously injured, as a result of whatever it is I am afraid of. I don’t think I could cope with being incapacitated in a way that would make me reliant on others. When I really think about it, it all comes down to a lack of control.

We all need control in our lives and some of us, namely me, have to be in charge of most of the time. I wouldn’t go so far as to call me a control freak, but if I don’t feel as if I have a handle on things I tend to get edgy, nervous, and downright nasty. I’ll admit it; I like to be in control. On the other hand, I don’t always want to be the one making the decisions – sometimes that just too much responsibility. It’s a fine line, I think, between in control and being in command.

Getting Better

Bronchitis with a touch of pneumonia. Sounds like a recipe; sauté chicken and add a teaspoon of bronchitis and a touch of pneumonia. When my doctor told me that on Friday, the first thing that ran through my head was that sentiment.

I know that it can be a serious illness, but in my case it is not and I will be right as rain in a few weeks. I am on very powerful antibiotics and will be feeling much better very soon. I don’t want to rush it, but on the other hand, I have the MS150 ride coming up in less than a month and with taking time to get well is going to possibly take me back further than I would like to be in a few weeks.

So I wait, eat good food, take my medicine and get stronger.

Magical Elixir

This moon-lit morning, I praise the wonderful elixir of wakefulness which is coffee for getting me in to work. For the last few weeks, I have felt extremely tired, and the coffee is the only thing that has helped get me going. I am sleeping fine, but waking up as if I hadn’t sleep at all. I finally went to the doctor, on my husband’s urging, and she sent me for blood work and won’t have an answer until Friday. I usually don’t have a problem with getting my blood drawn, but yesterday I almost passed out. It was a strange experience and I ended up having to lie down and get my strength back. I felt very embarrassed even though the nurse told me not to. They had to take about 8 vials, and one of the tests was done without the rubber tourniquet because it has to be surface blood, or seeming like that. At any rate, I should have somewhat of an answer by today.

I went through this feeling before about 16 years ago when I was finally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Disorder. I was sick with a low grade fever, body aches, a slight sore throat, extreme fatigue, and a litany of other issues. My first thought when I started feeling this way was that it had returned. My doctor has not ruled out that it has come back but those anti-bodies stay in your body forever and by testing for them you will only find the existing ones. It is a diagnosis of elimination anyway as there is no real definitive test. Many people have the antibodies in their system because many of us are exposed to it. Like other things you can carry the antibodies and not exhibit the illness. I credit the nutritionist who prescribed a mega vitamin therapy which in six months put me in remission.

Meanwhile, I rely on coffee to get me through the morning and at least wake me up to keep going.